sitting in a circle
listening to stories
you may come late
You may leave early
Calhoun Meeting Room
Saturdays
February 04, 2017
March 04, 2017
April 01, 2017
1 to 4 pm
Greetings
from verna - from werner
from verna - from werner
carl rogers
Willingness
to meet
the unexpected
not interested
in winning arguments
Unconditional positive regard.
To give a person attention
without judging or
evaluating them
As a person
learns to listen to himself
he becomes more accepting
of himself.
Experience is for me,
the highest authority.
The touchstone of validity
is my own experience.
No other person's ideas,
and none of my own ideas,
are as authoritative
as my experience.
It is to experience
that I must return again and again,
to discover
a closer approximation to truth
as it is in the process
of becoming me.
People
the highest authority.
The touchstone of validity
is my own experience.
No other person's ideas,
and none of my own ideas,
are as authoritative
as my experience.
It is to experience
that I must return again and again,
to discover
a closer approximation to truth
as it is in the process
of becoming me.
People
are just as wonderful
as sunsets if you let them be.
When I look at a sunset,
I don't find myself saying,
"Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner."
I don't try to control a sunset.
I watch with awe as it unfolds.
What
What
is most personal
is most universal.
The degree
to which I can create relationships,
which facilitate the growth of others
as separate persons,
is a measure
of the growth
I have achieved
in myself.
When a person realizes
he has been deeply heard,
his eyes moisten.
I think
in some real sense
he is weeping for joy.
It is
as though he were saying,
"Thank God,
somebody heard me.
Someone knows
what it's like
to be me”
there is direction
there is direction
but there is
no destination
we cannot change,
we cannot change,
we cannot move away
from what we are,
until
we thoroughly accept
what we are.
Then
change seems to come about
almost unnoticed.
If I let myself
If I let myself
really understand another person,
I might be changed
by that understanding.
And we all
fear change.
So
as I say,
it is not an easy thing
to permit oneself
to understand
an individual
In my relationships with persons
In my relationships with persons
I have found that it does not help,
in the long run,
to act as though
I were something
that I am not.
I have learned
I have learned
that my total organismic sensing
of a situation
is more trustworthy
than my intellect.
the more I can keep a relationship free
the more I can keep a relationship free
of judgment and evaluation,
the more this will permit
the other person
to reach the point
where he recognizes
that the locus
of evaluation,
of evaluation,
the center of responsibility,
lies within himself
So
So
while I still hate
to readjust my thinking,
to readjust my thinking,
still hate
to give up old ways
to give up old ways
of perceiving
and conceptualizing,
and conceptualizing,
yet
at some deeper level
I have,
to a considerable degree,
come to realize
that these painful reorganizations
are what is known
as learning
The degree
to which I can create relationships,
which facilitate the growth of others
which facilitate the growth of others
as separate persons,
is a measure
of the growth
of the growth
I have achieved
in myself.
in myself.
evaluation
by others
is not a guide
for me.
The judgments of others,
while they are to be listened to,
and taken into account for what they are,
can never be a guide for me.
This has been a hard thing to learn.
I have come to value highly
I have come to value highly
the privilege of getting away,
of being alone.
It has seemed to me
that my most fruitful periods of work
are the times
when I have been able
to get completely away
from what others think,
from professional expectations
and daily demands,
and gain perspective
on what I am doing.
when
when
another person
has been willing
to tell me something
to tell me something
of his inner
directions
this has been
of value to me,
if only in sharpening my realization
that my directions are different.
another
another
way of learning for me
is to state my own uncertainties
It seems to me
that anything
It seems to me
that anything
that can be taught
to another
to another
is relatively
inconsequential,
inconsequential,
and has little
or no significant influence
or no significant influence
on
behavior.
I have come to feel
that the only learning
which significantly
influences behavior
influences behavior
is self-discovered,
self-appropriated learning.
With
With
the price
of life these days,
you've got to get
everything for free you can.
We think
We think
we listen,
but very rarely
do we listen
with real understanding,
true empathy.
Yet listening,
of this very special kind,
is one of the most potent forces for change
that I know.
A person
A person
cannot teach another person directly;
a person can only facilitate
another's learning
It is the client
who knows what hurts,
It is the client
who knows what hurts,
what directions to go,
what problems are crucial,
what experiences
have been deeply buried.
It is
astonishing
have been deeply buried.
It is
astonishing
how elements
which seem insoluble
which seem insoluble
become
soluble
soluble
when someone
listens.
listens.
How confusions
which seem irremediable
turn into
relatively clear flowing streams
relatively clear flowing streams
when one
is heard.
The very essence of the creative
is its novelty,
and hence
we have no standard
by which
to judge it.
What I am
is good enough
if I would only
be it openly.
is heard.
The curious paradox is
that when I accept myself
just as I am,
then I can change.
The only person
who is educated
is the one
who has learned
how to change.
The good life
is a process,
not a state
of being.
It is a direction
not a destination.
The very essence of the creative
is its novelty,
and hence
we have no standard
by which
to judge it.
What I am
is good enough
if I would only
be it openly.
 |
| verna - werner |
Healthy Relationships:
Presence to Partner and to Self
© Verna Monson, Ph.D.
What does it mean to be in a relationship?
A safe, loving harbor in the storm of life?
Or a voyage on a sea of unending waves of pleasure or pain, thrusting one to new lows and new highs of emotion?
The neurochemistry of love is one that explains both.
The cuddling hormone, oxytocin, acts as a powerful drug that bonds us to another.
We crave a constant supply of oxytocin and having a stable relationship helps with ensure our supply.
The science of this sounds a bit chilly compared with the cultural meanings of relationships.
For example, you might think of the biblical phrases such as “the two shall become one.”
Or maybe you think of phrases from pop culture such as “you complete me” or “you light up my life.”
The emotions conjured by these sources reflect a milestone of the human experience, particularly the awakening of adolescence brought on by cascading hormones and indoctrination into society.
In this phase of life, pairing with a loving partner means survival and security for the partner and resulting offspring.
The woman can nurse the baby while her mate goes hunting, and so on.
Beyond the biology or the cultural romanticism of relationships, there is another region – that of spiritual growth.
I was first introduced to this idea through the prolific African-American writer and scholar of feminist theory, bell hooks.
Her notion of true love as marked by a commitment to fostering “mutual spiritual growth” suggests that relationships can be about much more than pleasure or survival.
To me, spiritual growth simply means that I make a commitment toward a higher purpose and strive to be a better person to friends, family, and my community.
It might mean something different to you, and that is all very well and good.
The goal of my writing is always to support self-definition.
As I think about the running conversation with my partner Werner about the ideas of merging our identities intentionally, I recall moments when we grappled with forces that could put a stop to our spiritual growth.
We went straight away to the white board.
I drew two circles – one for Werner and one for me, overlapping.
One area represented the “I,” the overlapped area the “we,” and the other area the “you” in our relationship.
That is, we cherish the shared space of our union, but we encourage each other to retain our own identities.
Said a different way, we intentionally encourage each other’s autonomy, while nourishing our inter-dependence.
In this way, our intention is to share power but also to retain our personal power.
This avoids resentment over threats of losing the self – our identity or sense of self that can disappear into another in dependent relationships.
More volatile yet are relationships based on competition for power, characterized by arguments and abuse in a desperate attempt to gain power over another.
It is a daily endeavor to remind ourselves that in our desire to be present to each other, we not forget about being present to ourselves.
That means as individuals, that our own intentions, values, and goals remain ours.
And that we honor each other’s individuality.
In turn this allows us to freely commit to shared intentions, values, and goals without fearing a loss of who we are apart from the relationship.
Nourishing the “I,” “We,” and “You” makes us live with greater intention and to grow spiritually, together.
Speaking from the perspective as an advocate for domestic abuse victims, these ideas are crucial to health relationships.
Ensuring that we retain the “I” and “You” in relationships ensures that the “We” does not overshadow or seek to control or dominate the other.
Spiritual growth must be self-defined, and it complements the relationship rather than detracts from it.
In conclusion:
Join together, enjoy each other, be present to each other, but don’t forget to be present to your self.
sitting in a circle
listening to stories
you may come late
You may leave early
Calhoun Meeting Room
Saturdays
February 04, 2017
March 04, 2017
April 01, 2017
1 to 4 pm
